the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
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We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.