A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
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Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
the noise i just made
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Cats (2019)
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]