If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
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“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
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“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Smile Twitter, Smile.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
What’s so funny?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you