BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
You Might Also Like
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Risking my life for fun.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.