I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
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I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
My last name is Zilla.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I’m awake but I object,
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck