Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
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In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
no refunds
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I gave up going to work for lent.