me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
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My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason