*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
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the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.