Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
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*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Cat.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.