I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
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Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
it’s finally my moment to shine
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
This did not end as expected.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.