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You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*