Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
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Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.