me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
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Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Life cycle of cat
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
This is why I hate group projects
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?