the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
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I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
congratulations to them
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force