If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
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When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
rapatouille
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
asking santa clause for nudes