♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.