At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
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*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Not all heroes wear capes.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.