As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
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I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Leaving the Barbers like
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.