*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
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I identify as an antique shop.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
incredible text to wake up to
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Stop.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword