Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
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Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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S U I N G ✅
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Meanwhile in Portland…
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.