Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
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You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right