You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
You Might Also Like
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣