me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
You Might Also Like
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Bobby pin
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Science memes
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.