What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
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Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
(more comics:
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.