My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
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Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone