People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
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Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*