PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
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Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere