John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
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HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf