on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
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Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”