I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
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I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping