Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
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Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”