Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
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Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
thanks auntie mary
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.