request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
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[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I think this should do it.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree