Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
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Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Comparing yourself to others
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.