There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
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disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.