Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
You Might Also Like
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
repaired
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR