[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
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As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me