What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
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You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
My first son he is wonderful
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.