Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
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Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Happy Friday
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.