The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
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I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Sharon I have some bad news
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime