Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
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I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Real House Wines.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears