When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
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her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.