unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
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Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?