There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
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You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I hope Alan is OK
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful