BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
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ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do