Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
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“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!