911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
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Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!