“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
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Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
He’s cranky this morning
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?