what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
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This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.