Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
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Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Writing, She Murdered.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING